cant breathe

tonight
i miss the stars
they usually hang above me
silently
but tonight
i can't see them
i look to no avail
there is a thick blanket
covering them
and for some reason
i suddenly feel enclosed
like I can't breathe
i need the stars
or else
i might vanish
too

i legit look out my window every night to make sure they're there *coughcough*

pain in life

he was just a boy
but his father shoved him
into being
a man
the pace of the maturity
mixed between the yearning for love
stifled any and every
relationship he had
he tried to shrink back
hide in the shadows
look tough
to be tough
blocking out feelings wasn't enough
they had to disappear
he had to forget them
he didn't want to smile
just in case his armor
would crack
but the boy
who was forced to be a man
did smile
the armor did break
and that's when the true
him
sparkled through
but quickly
it would vanish
because i think
he was afraid
of being
hurt
yet again

the story of someone i met once a long time ago

love isn't a feeling

love is about trusting
love is putting yourself out there
spending every moment
with that one
about being
in love
or is it
what about the couple
who never said "i love you"
they walked down the aisle
vows were made
and kept
they were blessed with five babies
one of which
passed out of their arms into heaven
much too quickly
the sorrow was deep
but they pressed on
because they had to
the days were lived together
it wasn't easy
but they did it
at 88 they were old
tired
and they passed away together
holding hands
their daughter spoke at their funeral
"mom and dad
they lived love"
and you see
love can't be a feeling
because if it was
they wouldn't have survived

bc we were talking about love - and this was my definition of it 

m e

there's something in me
that i can't hold back
can't hold down
can't smother
ive tried to tame it
to teach it to behave
but over and over again
it comes back
you see
i think
that is
im afraid
that it is
me

plz tell me that im not alone in this 

you're struggling

you're dealing with it
the pain
the dejection
the daily grim
i can see that
i can see your struggle
it's too much to carry
you mumble over and over again
that you can do it
but what if
now hear me out
what if
you can't

don't know where that came from - maybe one of you needed it??

your choice

sometimes
people are heartless
when they don't mean to be
they let the words slip
and you stand there
dumbfounded by what you heard
you're given two choices
to lash out
or to love
they both bring their own hardships
but you get to choose
you pick
now you get to be the heartless one
if you wish to be
so decide
what will it be

so many times this has happened to me 

heartbeat

have you ever heard
a heart beat
stop
have you ever been in a room
when someone
takes their last
breath
have you ever heard
the sound of a infant
still in the mothers womb
the pounding
of life
it echoes of joy
these sounds
they go hand in hand
life and death
death and life
both are beginnings
just of different paths

i'll never forget the sound of life 

nor of death 

j o y

i laugh a lot
for no good reason
sometimes
i just catch myself doing it
and then i grin
and keep on laughing
cuz im happy
im blessed
loved
and suddenly im laughing
for a good reason

because someone once said i was too happy 

so i kept on laughing

*smirks*

the blueberry man

he just isn't the type
you can forget
you see
his beard
was much too white
he's eyes
much too kind
he tried to seem gruff
but to me
he wasn't
he always looked the same
except he changed
when his wife
became sick
he seemed to be sad
more tired
a little
older
and before i knew it
he was gone
his wife joined him
months later
the countless days
the many many decades
that they had spent together
and one had to wait
he's the blueberry man
you see
his pipe smelled of sweet smoke
the blueberries tasted of his care
blueberries aren't the same anymore
because the blueberry man
is gone

true story - true human - real man - real friend

plus real feelings = this poem

can't go back

the words just
slipped out
you try to grasp them
to pull them back
to where they had come from
but you can't
the look you receive
penetrates your soul
it hurts
you didn't mean to say them
it just
happened
but now what
the eyes
they've changed
you cant go back
only forward
you step closer
but can feel the words
between you both
an "im sorry"
won't cut it
you can't take the words back
now what

legitimate feels from many a time.. *sighs*

the quiet speaks

have you ever listened to the
silence
did you know that the quiet
speaks
have you ever tried watching the wind
dance
did you know that shadows
aren't empty
have you ever closed off
everything
only to hear volumes of noise
you didn't know were there
did you know that
yes
all this is true
and that
yes
i feel this too

basically my thought process of trying to show perspective 

apart

you know that moment
when
you're crying too hard
too deep
much to real of a sob
to hear
to feel
to notice
anything else
because
your body is shaking
your heart is splitting
because
that one person
has left
the realization
of a spot
that
can never be filled again
and is now
empty
hurts much to much
to do
anything
but cry

still remembering

talking walls

i used to think that
hospital walls
looked so white
and empty
almost too clean
to even touch
but now
i see them differently
have you ever thought
of all the people
who have cried
for the loss
of a loved one
those walls
hold a story
that not even i
could tell you

just something i remembered from awhile back

v a n i s h

days seem to fly by faster
they seem to disapear in a blink now
what happened
did i grow up
did i misunderstand
that
yes
i would change
i think
i wasn't told something
maybe i didn't want to listen
but now
i see the sun set
it seems to happen a lot faster now
then it did
when i was a kid
it
like the sun
has vanished
below the horizon
that's it
it happened
im not a kid anymore

*cries* im trying to fight this

super moon

i was once asked a question
it was a
what do you think
kind of question
here
i'll tell you what it is
'what do you think the moonlight smells like?'
and i sat there
dumbfounded
because i had never thought of it
i suppose
it's like
the smell of the dew in the morning
because that's what the moonlight
left behind
maybe
just maybe mind you
the moonlight smells like a million
smiles
all wrapped up
into a ball of laughter
combined with a joyous event
on the most beautiful day of the year
when your family is together
and your friends near
yes
that's what moonlight smells like

was legit asked this question by her - she said she knew i would understand. inspirational material right there

that hope

sometimes
i look up
and my heart skips a beat
because
i thought
just maybe
that it was you
i try to tell myself
to give up
because i know
that you are far far away
but i still do it
my heart still skips that beat
because what if
what if
one time
it really was you

this is based off how i react often when i think i see someone who looks like my adopted grandma

g l i m p s e

his face
it was only a glimpse
but it was enough
i knew
it was something in the wrinkles
in the way he sat
on the walmart bench
alone
looking rather
forlorn
but not lost
it was the eyebrows
i've never seen any like
they were white
bushy
and somehow
it that glimpse
he knew

a friend asked me what he knew - at that's just it. idek

my neverland

neverland
is a true place
for me at least
it's in the air
when i stand just so
and let the wind blow in my face
just like it did
when i was a carefree
tree climbing
wild imagination traveler by day
and vivid reader by night
ten year old
it's when i remember
the moments
of true childhood
with my sisters
we laugh
returning to neverland
where our secrets are kept
our memories stored tight
ready to be unlocked when we need them
neverland for me
is everywhere
and nowhere

literally think this is the most real thing ive ever written and felt 

i cant but you can

you know that feeling
when you no longer know
if yes means yes
or no means no
when you no longer know
if you can do it
or if you can't
when you can't decide
you can't move
you just want to cry
you just want to sleep
every moment is lived unsure
undecided
incomplete
what's holding you back
think
why are these feelings
taking over your life
don't let them
steal you joy
don't let them win in the end
be victorious
fight
you can do it
i know you can

basically wrote this at 1 am the other night bc it's exactly what im dealing with

right or wrong

what if
i end up doing more wrong
than right
in this situation
where i was able to see
but not asked for advice
so i stayed quiet
i wanted to scream
to shout that the fact was true
real
that why can't you see what's happening
why can't you see the end result
but i didn't
because i wasn't asked
was that wrong
im not sure

sometimes i feel like this...do you?

come back

you know what scares me the most
it is when
the leaves fall off the trees
and we are left with
barren nothingness
bc soon
snow will fall
and no longer
will we hear
the rustle from above
the birds singing songs
which you can hear
but not see
it's the time when you no longer
can escape to the outdoors
bc it's cold
that's what scares me
i just want the leaves to stay
where they are
forever
plz

yeah this is how i feel

t e s t e d

in the short time that i could see
i saw
i didn't know that i would go blind
but i knew
as a child does
that everything is beautiful
and special
each color
noise
movement
so i studied them
but then i went blind
it wasn't my fault
or anyone's actually
i guess it was just a slow process
the doctors said
it should have happened sooner
but it didn't
i know that was God
letting me study a bit longer
cause i wasn't ready
for such a large test yet
but now I can still see
in a way
which i studied for that short while
and i treasure it
so remember your sight
it's a gift

literally inspired by a tv show episode 

the smile

you let down your guard
someone noticed
a smiled slipped out when
it wasn't supposed to
the feelings were buried
or so you thought
but apparently
you hadn't
you try to be tough
you try to be a force to be reckoned with
but what do you do
when that stranger
that nobody
says hello and smiles
you could feel it crack
the ice on your heart
that is
and a smile slips onto your face
it wasn't so bad
maybe
next time
it'll be easier
and you can be that stranger
for someone else

this one was inspired by a smile that i gave someone

p o c k e t s

the little boy
he has big brown eyes
and pockets in his jeans
that hold so many things
you never know
what will fall out
sometimes
it's just a rock
but the simple rock to us
is a treasure to him
it's been washed
polished
inspected for a fossil
and then stuffed back into his pocket
along side the other treasures
like screws and tape measures
paper and crayons
pennies and dimes
leaves and pebbles
all the things
that the little boy needs
because he sees the simple
he sees more than anyone
for he is still young
he can still see
while we
the older people
with empty pockets
are blind

idk

i feel like
i don't know
what to say anymore
i look around and see
so much hurt and anger
so much so much
and i don't know what to do
it's like the words that i had 
evaporated
they're gone
dangling in the air
waiting to see if i'll grasp them again
part of me wants to
part of me is scared to
so i'm gonna roll with it
when i'm ready
i'll talk again

so basically ive learned that i need to tell you all if certain poems pertain to me or not - this one does

that last one? about the shopkeeper..nope. That was just a story *laughs cuz noooo thannnks*

the shopkeeper

His eyes used to sparkle
When I would enter the shop
And he would wave
Send me a grin
Say hello
He always was a friend
I treasured that
Somehow life happened
And I moved
I forgot
Or so I thought
He didn't
Cause that day
When I accidentally opened the door
Heard the bells sing
He smiled again
And waved
But he didn't say hello
Instead
He asked me where I had been
Still a friend
Never changing
Now we talk
Conversations
And now
I'm seeing a man I wish I had known
All those years ago

storyteller

to be a storyteller
to watch the looks on their faces
as they hear the words
as i make them up
the story which came out of nowhere
and suddenly
im compelled
im compelled to tell it
so i have to
weird things happen
characters come out of nowhere
but when they enter
i become their friend
cause im the storyteller
their voice
to share
and enjoy
the world they come from

i'm here

hello
i thought i knew you
but then you told me
you told me of a story
that i had never heard before
somehow
you've changed
i see you in a different light
no longer are we strangers
no longer am i unable to understand
now i can try
to make an effort
to pray harder
to fight harder
to never let you slip
into a place
where your heart gets cold
because im going to hold on
im going to try my best
to give you my all
so you don't have to crack
under the pressure
of everything
so hello
your face is new
let's talk
im here for you