REAL ME RIGHT NOW

I've grown up an awful lot this year. It's a different kind of growing though. I'm still 5'3. and boy, that isn't changing in the near future. I still love the sound of wind shield wipers, making apple pie, slapping paint on walls, summer (dude. for reals. I love it even more), the click of a seat belt, counting all my books, ice cream...you know, all the little weird things I talk about that make people laugh and me happy.

but I'm growing up. which is something I've fought for years. You'll know that if you've followed me for some time. I'm not grown up. but I am growing. huge difference there folks.

I feel braver (in a scared sort of way)
I feel a little less unsure of myself which means I'm more sure of myself which is a good thing. if I'm careful and not cocky.
I'm ok with being me - even tho people laugh at me cuz they don't get me. (tbh I don't either. I'm just rolling with it)

I'm growing less afraid of growing. ask my best friend. she'll know what I'm talking about.
also God made me aware of a lot of things. like sobbing breakdowns can be a good thing - speaking from experience, i promise.

it's a weird thing to be a human. that might sound utterly creepy and odd to you, but if you think about the complexity of what we deal with on a day to day basis, you might just agree. like what else has to deal with car insurance, friend conflicts, figuring out what to order at Arby's, or job interviews. it's just a fact. this is what we've been given. this is life for humans.

and we humans make it even more complicated.

so maybe I'm speaking nonsense. btw, I really love that you guys are okay with my basically essay poems over here. should I do more?

xxxxx

[p.s. huge shoutout to Hanne T for being my 70th follower! thanks for helping me hit that mark on the last day of 2017 <3333]

PEER PRESSURE

why does peer pressure have to be a thing (exist)
why i ask this is bc we all know about it and hate it
except for the people who use it (bullies)
it's becoming harder to see thru the repeated blur of hatred and jealously
we expect it bc we have to
i myself do a double take when i am around someone who wants to be my friend
it hurts to know that. it hurts to expect the worst of a human
but we have to keep that shield up for we are done with being used and hurt

i guess you can say we use peer pressure to beat it
is that wrong or?...

WHAT HAS CHRISTMAS BECOME

if someone asked me what I want for Christmas I think I would have to say I want it to feel like Christmas

like. Not what it felt like when I was a kid. That's the "gimmie gifts" feel. Nothing was wrong with that as a kid, 
but now I just feel rotten and selfish. I want Christmas to be over so I don't have to feel this way anymore.

I want to FEEL Christmas the way Mary and Joseph did. I don't want to remember the word, instantly thinking of food and snow and gifts and constantly repeated carols.

I want to stir up love. I want to FEEL the true Christmas.

I don't want to keep the Christ in Christmas, I want it to be about Him completely.

You see, if it were up to me (and not all the store marketing skills), Christmas would be a holiday of prayer. of praises to God. of thanks and joy and constant, never ceasing, singing.

there wouldn't be a dead tree in my house. there most certainly wouldn't be a fat man in a red suit coming down my chimney.

maybe Christmas is the season of joy and kindness and love.

I visited a nursing home today. The halls were full, unlike what I had seen a few weeks before. People were smiling and saying
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
K bros, I get it. This whole thing is a great reminder.

but ya know, there comes a point when reminding needs to stop and living needs to happen.

Holidays give the wrong impression all together. And celebrating isn't celebrating anymore either. Excitement equals getting an extra long weekend, sleeping in, eating sweets..it's starting to become an old story.

And then, that's when I cry. Bc what really is Christmas? I don't think anybody really knows.

So this is why Christmas blues is a thing. this is why I get older and become more and more done with holidays. Maybe I'm a Scrooge. But well...let's just leave it at that for now...

Merry Christmas folks.

THINGS I'VE SEEN

i saw a homeless man
he was sleeping on the streets of boston
cement for a bed and the sky as his ceiling
i saw a man older than my grandpa
he was checking out a clifford book
he saw the books in my arms and smiled
the man beside him said
"you'll be reading like that soon. real soon."
and you know what
maybe there is no parallel here
i just saw something
pain and beauty
and perhaps
that's how it was meant to be

for now

WE THINK WE KNOW

man walks on earth
thinking we own the thing
that we with the brains are in control
but honestly and truly
have you thought of the world beneath our world
the paths and tunnels which ants have created
the depth to the center of the ball we call home
that beneath our feet isn't really a solid
but much more of a liquid
have you ever thought of the miracle in this all

WE MUST KNEEL

you know that moment 

when you're not sure if you'll make it out alive 

if you'll be able to recover from the emotional trauma 

the physical depression 

the heartbreaking truth 

you must face the facts and fall to your knees then 

if not im afraid survival is slim 

bc kid 

we can't do it all on our own

[you're not alone]

FRIEND OR FOE

it bugs me that people sneak into my life
tearing into my normal and calm
they expect me to welcome the new
and after a while, it becomes okay
but then they leave - taking the new normal along
and suddenly i'm back to how i liked it in the beginning
but now
i'm not sure i still like it

[ written on back of a scrap piece of paper while at work,
stuffed into my pocket, then jammed in a folder and just found 2 months later ] 

WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING

there are too many goodbyes
and not enough i'm sorry's
heartstrings pull and yank until they snap
and it's just like why
why does it have to be like this
why can't we just laugh a little more
love for eternity instead of crying
there has to be a solution. it isn't impossible.

then why isn't anything done?

UNDENIABLE TRUTH

we yearn to better ourselves
to get over the constant mistake of yesterdays
yet we can't
bc there is a large beast blocking the path
it isn't necessarily an unknown blockade
in fact we've walked this way many times before
hoping that the beast would leave for a day
just once. just to give a little more time. just let us slip free.
but instead it appears the moment you arrive
i've said this before and i'll say it again
i believe the beast is you + me
and we cannot set ourselves free. now what

[ sorry. i woke up and wrote this. that's why it's such a mess ]

REST. CHILD. REST.

oh yes it's true 

we all have a magical moment waiting for us

a second in time in which our eyes finally see what was in front of us for so long 

a sacred glimpse of beauty and joy

in short 

we won't be blind anymore

it isn't bc of what you do

but instead of WHO you welcome

it isn't bc of how you say it or the way you kneel

perhaps much more bc of the state of your heart and the yearning you hold

child, stop waiting for your moment 

the moment when bonds break and the flood gates of love explode 

suddenly you no longer view life as you 

but as someone with a goal in mind and a FRIEND by your side

GLORIOUS JOY

i love it when you can just tell that someone is happy
the shimmer in their eye
or the grin that just spread from their heart to arms (aka a hug)
it's more like joy and much less than hate
suddenly social pressures fade away
and you're just left with the realness
gee.
isn't that a wonderful thing

OUR BROKEN NATURE

humans are weird
we fight over right and wrong
disagree on when someone is considered alive or just some cells
the land beneath our feet is rich in blood for our greed
we think we are so powerful
yet we shake with weakness at the realization of how small we are
humans forget a lot
and tend to remember little nothings
it's in our nature to be like this
but idk if that makes it right

WE AREN'T CARBON COPIES

its exhausting to try to be what you aren't
tbh it breaks away at what you are
but nevertheless
i watch people do it every day
it seems crazy that we were created as individuals
bc wow
we aren't carbon copies
how easy it would have been for God to make one human mold
but instead
every day. every second. He makes new.
stop acting like that human beside you. be more like Jesus. He's the one we should copy

DON'T WALK AWAY

it frustrates me that we can't walk away from pain
from that thought process of 'why me'
it's like your stuck
bc in your mind you can remove yourself from the situation
but in reality
you can't
it's even more frustrating tho
when people give up
bc that's when the real pain begins

[ btw Amelia Ruth informed me that she didn't know she could still comment on my posts here since I got my new template! If you want to comment, just click on the post title -- it'll bring you to the comment section. Sorry if you were confused!! :P ]

i'm a sunrise

im one of those people

who is very much on the ground

i look up often tho 

staring at the sky 

which the dreamers live in 

they seem close enough to touch 

but too far away to ever join 

their club is one of exclusiveness 

i didn't belong 

i don't belong 

my place is below 

plugging along and getting dirty 

dreamers are like sunsets 

im a little more like sunrises 

nobody really sees those

[i can't get over how depressing this sounds. and actually, it really isn't how i meant it to be. tbh. i like being a sunrise]

world changer

don't ever tell me that one person can't change the world
tbh some don't believe in such a possibility

what if this man wasn't just a man

but far more like God in human form
and He did change the world
so shh child don't doubt
have faith
i believe
hbu?

FAKE WALLS

maybe you think that you know what's happening in the lives around you
that you know those who are struggling
and those who are thriving
but let me assure you of something
you are wrong
stop stopping at the wall they've placed before you
and understand that brokenness is there
even when the appearance is of a whole
bc trust me
there is a lot you don't know

BEYOND YOU

have you ever thought about the thousands of light bulbs
that shine above you in walmart
and who put them there
or the billions of ants you've crushed in a lifetime
what do you know about the earth and the lava boiling in the center of it all
how about the fact that someone just died
and someone was just born
these things happen without our knowledge
the bursting stars in outer space
the earthquakes in the ocean
the tears which were hidden from you
yes these are all unknowns
what do you think about that

MOMENT OF REALIZATION

listen close, my wonderful friend
there is a secret which i must spill
it is a secret which i am still learning to realize but here it is nonetheless


the change has become normal 


change
which we dread
and fight
and detest
has. become. normal.


it isn't something you notice right away
but one day it hits you as you're driving along saying how beautiful it is
that's when you remember how hard you fought this beautiful bc you didn't know it would be beautiful
at least that's how it was for me


slow down. breathe. it's a new normal. and it'll be okay.

STAY

who says leaving is the only answer
who says you're not good enough
and what makes them the authority on that
why has giving up become the chosen option
when darling, there are so many more
it's not like pain isn't real
bc it is
what if pain is a blessing
what if staying could mean the difference between ending your story without really living it
the difference between life and death
doing hard things is hard - that's how its supposed to be
some days you will feel beat
sometimes you'll just cry
it's ok
don't say goodbye to second chances
don't cross off all the available options to the most empty of them all
stay. please. k.

[ okay so this is probably one of the toughest things I've written. it's tough bc its a subject a lot of people have chosen to brush past for many reasons. maybe you don't deal with these thoughts or don't want to think about them...well, whatever it is, they are still real. still there. and NOT going away. Elissa emailed me + a bunch of other fantastic bloggers awhile ago. this is part of a post series about staying. about realizing that God has given you this life as a gift.  and that, you're loved. completely and utterly loved ]

STOP DEALING WITH IT

stop trying to prove to yourself
and to everyone else
that you can deal with it
bc there are times when you cannot
and there are days when you just shouldn't
bc that just wont lead you into good places
it'll just dig you farther into your mindset of ive got this
and when you think real hard about this
you realize your hands are empty and truly you haven't got it
instead of pushing yourself until you fall off that cliff edge
hold tight onto the One who can and will deal with it
its much much better. promise

what love does

love bubbles over
when love overflows
it seeps into crusty dry cracks of emptiness
and drips down, touching a world of dead hearts
it doesn't take no for an answer
and certainly doesn't fade away
some black souls turn to thumping alive ones again
but some commit to eternal death, unable to see past their burden
through it all love bubbles over and overflows

spilling 
        dripping
               yearning 
                     aching
                          to be accepted bc its goal is for joy to win and death to die

unable to quit

it's a battle to rise up in the morning 

a struggle after what happened yesterday 

we are emotionally exhausted, we are physically drained 

the day was so so long and the dark, coolness of the night was too short 

there is less relief when you have to face yourself 

there isn't enough strength it seems to do that 

but you rise

and live another day 

hoping that yesterday won't repeat itself 

hoping that rest will come soon 

HOW WE SEE OURSELVES

you know how when you watch a movie and you see a character doing something stupid 

and you just sit there moaning and screaming into your pillow; 

"STOP! No. That's not it! Do this!"

and you know why we can do that can't do that in our own lives, even tho we wish to? 

bc in the movies we get to see the opposite character and their thoughts. We get the advantage. Life isn't really like that

so don't beat yourself up so hard when you feel like you just did something stupid. It happens. You learn from crashing on the floor in a heap of jumbledness. at least, its best to try learning, that is. 

besides. Being perfectly put together is boring. 

Shake your hair and laugh bc today you messed up and tomorrow you probably will too 

there is loveliness in that 

1 YEAR = 100 POEMS

i am unsure of how im supposed to handle this newness around me
i grip onto yesterday bc i don't know tomorrow
and in doing that
so many todays disappear in yesterdays
who am i to blame
who am i to scream at
its uncomfortable to be uncomfortable
its comfortable to be comfortable
that's who i am
how am i supposed to change that without changing me
perhaps that's the point
perhaps i need to step out into the raging waves
maybe i will slip under for a while
but in the end
im hoping for an island
that's why im breathing in and holding onto today for once
thats why tomorrows unknowns cant stop me
bc im searching and learning and trusting
that's what im trying to do at least

[this post marks 1 year of TWILIGHT TO DAWN and yes. this is my 100th posted poem. guess i should keep going? *grins*]

t h e - s k y

so im wondering why the sky is a soft blue one day
and a vibrate blue another day
or a stormy grey randomly
like isn't the sky the same always
how come it changes
i understand the movement and fading of clouds
i know why we can't see the stars in the day
and that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west
i know these things
but idk why the sky can change so drastically in color
maybe i do know why but just don't remember
whatever it is
the blue sky is my friend
iloveit

my poems

i write words
which some people say are sad
and some say they hurt so much
that they are good
and these words
which i have learned
come from somewhere
which is nowhere
and i just have to trust that it'll be ok
bc let's face it
some words said are just a little too full of truth
and hit a little too close to home
i'm sorry if they're painful
trust me
they hurt me too

my home {for now}

i live in a place where fireflies dance as the sun slips to the other side of the earth

i live in a place where the air is so fresh that my lungs cannot fill enough

i live in a place where the yard is large enough and the sky is big enough that i never feel crowded in

the summer is never long enough and the winter is never short enough here

in my garden i get to sing even if i really can't sing

fields surround me like a sea and i live on my own island. its full of grass and trees and giggles and swings. the freezer has popsicles and chalk is plentiful. there is enough childhood left on the shelf. dust it off. join me.

it's paradise here.

SOMETHING IS NEW

guys i actually did it
the design is new
which means possibly new ideas
i'm willing to try something different
but stay the same still
i'm excited
what do you think??

how life is

what makes some people jump off bridges
while others climb mountains
what gives some confidence
and others none
it's as if something happened
as if someone said something
maybe empowering or perhaps downgrading
bc truthfully
everyone starts out the same
what happens in the middle seems to decide the end

is this true for you?

why you ache

we never quite say what our hearts feel
often little words are left unsaid
little actions left undone
we pretend as if that doesn't hurt
we pretend as if they don't matter
but deep deep deep down
where the memories slip to and where love grows there is a hole
in that hole is where the undone deeds are
and that is where the ache in your soul grows
bc you didn't say i love you
you didn't smile or give that hug
you didn't even try
maybe we shouldn't wait anymore
maybe waiting is what is going to destroy us

willpower

where would you be if you woke up a little earlier and drove a little farther each day
where would you be if you pushed and pushed for the extreme
if you fought for what you believed in
would you be the minority
or part of a majority
would you learn to obey the rules
or would you break every expectation for freedom
would you have the strength
or would you crack under the pressure
bc kid being out of the box is rough
it's those walls that define you
will you break them
or will you let them keep you in

giggles

idk if you've ever been in a place that makes your heart soar
but i have
it's almost as if it's thumping so fast
like i can't catch my breath

bc im so happy and so sad and so excited and so confused yet smiling 

it's like the emotions are choking me
and my heart keeps racing
my smile keeps smiling

bc 

i

am

happy

dedicated to the sis in the pic bc she said that about the smile

things you're told

it's true
there are things that you
only understand
when you are older
i used to think it was a joke
just something adults said
so i would leave them be
but no
it's true
there are realities that you
only are able to fully see
until you have matured and grown
seen a little bit of the grim world

what's going to happen

once i get even older

im only seventeen

we've become this

how have we become a culture
where we must post our feelings
images we've taken
to prove that we have friends
to show that we travel and explore
to be our perfected us
we edit and squish
layer black and white to seem more dramatic
in forgetting that insta doesn't have to be perfect
our makeup doesn't have to be on fleek
our texting lingo on point
we put ourselves into a spot
one that we locked ourselves into
bc honestly
we've created this haven't we

yellow flower

i woke up and started to cry
it wasn't that i had a bad dream
nothing horrid had happened at all
more like
in said dream
i had wanted a yellow flower
but it had blown away
it was just a dried flower
why would i cry over that

true power

there lives a Being
more mighty than man

He stands taller than the trees

breathes life for us to inhale

His voice echoes like a canyon 

His heartbeat shakes the ground

He is the image of the invisible God
the firstborn over all
He was before
and is after
He delivered us from darkness
which strangled us
dragging us farther and farther from light

He did this by shining love 

in the hole

which we dug ourselves into 

He found us there

scared

sick

and holding shovels in hand

evidence against us
we fought anyways
only to drop the shovels

leaving emptiness for love

darkness for light

ache for forgiveness 

no longer are we alone
for Jesus has come

POETRY BOOK AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE

here it is guys
you can now buy my book
of poems
go here for all the info
enjoy
<33

rich vs poor

maybe we are richer
even when we think we are poor
our hearts tell us
that we a missing out
soon we set a goal
to reach the things that seem
so vibrant compared to normal dull
and once that is touched
you sit and your heart is still beating
the emptiness is still there
bc rich or poor
thriving or not
that isn't what matters

fighting fears

you can't always be afraid
there comes a time
where you must press on

to live 

to ache 

to thrive 

to be 

you have to shake off those doubts
and hold onto hope
you've got this
even if you're pretending at first
that's practicing
and pretty soon
you'll really truly have it

unreachable

we live in a world
with so much regret
too many losses and not enough victories
it's a place where good seems impossible
beauty untouchable
where poverty is more common than wealth
and sickness strikes more daily
we are the planets inhabitants
we are the ones who live here
grasping for hope
takes a being stronger than fears
stronger than the everlasting ache
you have to be a warrior to survive here
you have to be a fighter

my baby sis

the little girl

who's favorite color is red

has the kind of eyes

that looks at the world

from inside out

forget the horrors

the grim and dirt

she sees the moon
grabs it and names it gilbert

she plugs her nose

when she takes a shower

bc what if water gets in

snowboarding down a hill - yes
she asks for help
while doing her schoolwork
even tho she's already a genius
you see
she's the little girl who loves red

and she's a mega miracle child

death fought to yank her away

but it lost

and now

ive got a treasure who calls me
jula
and sister
she's beautiful and precious and wow

im gonna go cry now

bye

strangers

i recognize you
my mind shouts
i remember you from somewhere
we once met
smiled
and went on our own way
but now we've made eye contact
for a second time
but have never truly spoke
who are you
what is your life like
how have you grown
where have you traveled
why are you who you are
im curious
i would like to no longer be
strangers
but instead
friends

tell me you feel this too 

ticket to freedom

i don't dream cheap 

like why should i

ive got a free ticket 

in my imagination 

i can go anywhere

do anything 

so watch out world 

im coming

my fence

sometimes
i can see things
with a clearer view
other times
im fogged up with emotions
and wants
needs i think i have
i picture them
desiring items i can't have
and then
suddenly i see the layers of fog
roll away
and i can see the green grass again
on my side of the fence
i realize
it's green enough