Friday, January 5, 2018

what if we could hear all the heartbeats at once of the entire world MAGNIFIED 

would we find that our hearts are synced or completely unattached

i'm certain it would be deafening. the ground would shake. we wouldn't know what hit us.

perhaps we would listen for once

listen and realize that we are all the same no matter what we think or do,

the money thing, power and weakness, short vs tall, beauty against feeling beautiful

we would just hear the constant thump of life and then i think we might go crazy

bc let's face it. The world isn't ready for such a thing


Sunday, December 31, 2017

I've grown up an awful lot this year. It's a different kind of growing though. I'm still 5'3. and boy, that isn't changing in the near future. I still love the sound of wind shield wipers, making apple pie, slapping paint on walls, summer (dude. for reals. I love it even more), the click of a seat belt, counting all my books, ice cream...you know, all the little weird things I talk about that make people laugh and me happy.

but I'm growing up. which is something I've fought for years. You'll know that if you've followed me for some time. I'm not grown up. but I am growing. huge difference there folks.

I feel braver (in a scared sort of way)
I feel a little less unsure of myself which means I'm more sure of myself which is a good thing. if I'm careful and not cocky.
I'm ok with being me - even tho people laugh at me cuz they don't get me. (tbh I don't either. I'm just rolling with it)

I'm growing less afraid of growing. ask my best friend. she'll know what I'm talking about.
also God made me aware of a lot of things. like sobbing breakdowns can be a good thing - speaking from experience, i promise.

it's a weird thing to be a human. that might sound utterly creepy and odd to you, but if you think about the complexity of what we deal with on a day to day basis, you might just agree. like what else has to deal with car insurance, friend conflicts, figuring out what to order at Arby's, or job interviews. it's just a fact. this is what we've been given. this is life for humans.

and we humans make it even more complicated.

so maybe I'm speaking nonsense. btw, I really love that you guys are okay with my basically essay poems over here. should I do more?


[p.s. huge shoutout to Hanne T for being my 70th follower! thanks for helping me hit that mark on the last day of 2017 <3333]


Thursday, December 28, 2017

why does peer pressure have to be a thing (exist)
why i ask this is bc we all know about it and hate it
except for the people who use it (bullies)
it's becoming harder to see thru the repeated blur of hatred and jealously
we expect it bc we have to
i myself do a double take when i am around someone who wants to be my friend
it hurts to know that. it hurts to expect the worst of a human
but we have to keep that shield up for we are done with being used and hurt

i guess you can say we use peer pressure to beat it
is that wrong or?...


Sunday, December 24, 2017

if someone asked me what I want for Christmas I think I would have to say I want it to feel like Christmas

like. Not what it felt like when I was a kid. That's the "gimmie gifts" feel. Nothing was wrong with that as a kid, 
but now I just feel rotten and selfish. I want Christmas to be over so I don't have to feel this way anymore.

I want to FEEL Christmas the way Mary and Joseph did. I don't want to remember the word, instantly thinking of food and snow and gifts and constantly repeated carols.

I want to stir up love. I want to FEEL the true Christmas.

I don't want to keep the Christ in Christmas, I want it to be about Him completely.

You see, if it were up to me (and not all the store marketing skills), Christmas would be a holiday of prayer. of praises to God. of thanks and joy and constant, never ceasing, singing.

there wouldn't be a dead tree in my house. there most certainly wouldn't be a fat man in a red suit coming down my chimney.

maybe Christmas is the season of joy and kindness and love.

I visited a nursing home today. The halls were full, unlike what I had seen a few weeks before. People were smiling and saying
K bros, I get it. This whole thing is a great reminder.

but ya know, there comes a point when reminding needs to stop and living needs to happen.

Holidays give the wrong impression all together. And celebrating isn't celebrating anymore either. Excitement equals getting an extra long weekend, sleeping in, eating sweets..it's starting to become an old story.

And then, that's when I cry. Bc what really is Christmas? I don't think anybody really knows.

So this is why Christmas blues is a thing. this is why I get older and become more and more done with holidays. Maybe I'm a Scrooge. But well...let's just leave it at that for now...

Merry Christmas folks.