Sunday, February 25, 2018

why do people tell me "don't cry" when perhaps all I need at the moment is to cry
why have we weakened to the point of tears being the point of broken when perhaps they are part of healing

i asked a friend of mine if it was wrong of me to be sick of grieving. she told me "no. grief is exhausting" it is. oh friend, it is. the fear in grief seems to grip so hard and so tight that my body tenses. i shake and sob and call into work, giving into fear. giving into grief? idk.

i do know that God isn't in fear. and that He is with me. that He will give me strength. That He will guide me. that He will comfort me.

i know this but sometimes fear wins. is that ok?

grief isn't what people think it is until they live through it. it's like "wait. this isn't real. what do you mean..." it's an evil, wicked, joke every time. Sometimes you're expecting death but lets get real. who cares. like that even matters.

when you deal with grief, you still smile and laugh. others don't expect that. for me, grief is much more of a random flash of blank. it's like a very deep memory has come. it's like grief. but it flashes through. and again. and again. grief for me is sorted out through my dreams where i wake up sobbing. it's not being able to let go. yes. very much that.


[don't worry tho. I am okay - just writing out feelings here]


Wednesday, February 21, 2018

we don't give people enough of a chance to become friends
we get used to the ones around us and forget of the possibilities out there
of the rock bottom souls needing love and friendship
of the ones who need you to need them
old. young. child(like). the age doesn't matter - the person does
perhaps reach from your solid bubble to someone else's. friends aren't always who you think they are. promise.


Tuesday, February 13, 2018

i think i forgot that i knew that chipped nail polish is aesthetic and
that messy bed head hair flying in the summer breeze is freedom
that acne scars aren't something to be ashamed of but rather to be proud of
imperfections aren't ugly. they're treasures
i think i forgot that and focused on pretending to be perfect when lol that's not me so dude
slap on that makeup if you wanna, but don't cover up the jewel you are.

"God made you special and He loves you very much" -  Bob and Larry [veggie tales]


Tuesday, February 6, 2018

have you ever thought about the people who you would have loved, for sure
the long ago family members passed on or friends your parents speak of that held you as an infant
they've become shadows. once filled with passion but now the passion that fills a story.
and well.
i just wonder what kind of julia ryan i would have been now if i could of grown up with those folks around
i'm pretty sure this is what it feels like to miss someone you've never met


Thursday, February 1, 2018

words are a vicious and wild thing
they thrash and tear through the most guarded of hearts
they can destroy a smile. they have destroyed smiles.
love cannot be contained by the letters. love isn't describable.
words are deeper than the deepest ocean bc they run along the ground, picking up the emotions we drop.
humans don't trust them. we have heard enough that we close our ears. to close our hearts.
and there lays the truth. don't worry, i'm crying too. xxxx

(say thanks for the photo cuz I trampled over fresh snow in none boot like shoes after work tonight. its -1)