REAL ME RIGHT NOW

I've grown up an awful lot this year. It's a different kind of growing though. I'm still 5'3. and boy, that isn't changing in the near future. I still love the sound of wind shield wipers, making apple pie, slapping paint on walls, summer (dude. for reals. I love it even more), the click of a seat belt, counting all my books, ice cream...you know, all the little weird things I talk about that make people laugh and me happy.

but I'm growing up. which is something I've fought for years. You'll know that if you've followed me for some time. I'm not grown up. but I am growing. huge difference there folks.

I feel braver (in a scared sort of way)
I feel a little less unsure of myself which means I'm more sure of myself which is a good thing. if I'm careful and not cocky.
I'm ok with being me - even tho people laugh at me cuz they don't get me. (tbh I don't either. I'm just rolling with it)

I'm growing less afraid of growing. ask my best friend. she'll know what I'm talking about.
also God made me aware of a lot of things. like sobbing breakdowns can be a good thing - speaking from experience, i promise.

it's a weird thing to be a human. that might sound utterly creepy and odd to you, but if you think about the complexity of what we deal with on a day to day basis, you might just agree. like what else has to deal with car insurance, friend conflicts, figuring out what to order at Arby's, or job interviews. it's just a fact. this is what we've been given. this is life for humans.

and we humans make it even more complicated.

so maybe I'm speaking nonsense. btw, I really love that you guys are okay with my basically essay poems over here. should I do more?

xxxxx

[p.s. huge shoutout to Hanne T for being my 70th follower! thanks for helping me hit that mark on the last day of 2017 <3333]

PEER PRESSURE

why does peer pressure have to be a thing (exist)
why i ask this is bc we all know about it and hate it
except for the people who use it (bullies)
it's becoming harder to see thru the repeated blur of hatred and jealously
we expect it bc we have to
i myself do a double take when i am around someone who wants to be my friend
it hurts to know that. it hurts to expect the worst of a human
but we have to keep that shield up for we are done with being used and hurt

i guess you can say we use peer pressure to beat it
is that wrong or?...

WHAT HAS CHRISTMAS BECOME

if someone asked me what I want for Christmas I think I would have to say I want it to feel like Christmas

like. Not what it felt like when I was a kid. That's the "gimmie gifts" feel. Nothing was wrong with that as a kid, 
but now I just feel rotten and selfish. I want Christmas to be over so I don't have to feel this way anymore.

I want to FEEL Christmas the way Mary and Joseph did. I don't want to remember the word, instantly thinking of food and snow and gifts and constantly repeated carols.

I want to stir up love. I want to FEEL the true Christmas.

I don't want to keep the Christ in Christmas, I want it to be about Him completely.

You see, if it were up to me (and not all the store marketing skills), Christmas would be a holiday of prayer. of praises to God. of thanks and joy and constant, never ceasing, singing.

there wouldn't be a dead tree in my house. there most certainly wouldn't be a fat man in a red suit coming down my chimney.

maybe Christmas is the season of joy and kindness and love.

I visited a nursing home today. The halls were full, unlike what I had seen a few weeks before. People were smiling and saying
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
K bros, I get it. This whole thing is a great reminder.

but ya know, there comes a point when reminding needs to stop and living needs to happen.

Holidays give the wrong impression all together. And celebrating isn't celebrating anymore either. Excitement equals getting an extra long weekend, sleeping in, eating sweets..it's starting to become an old story.

And then, that's when I cry. Bc what really is Christmas? I don't think anybody really knows.

So this is why Christmas blues is a thing. this is why I get older and become more and more done with holidays. Maybe I'm a Scrooge. But well...let's just leave it at that for now...

Merry Christmas folks.

THINGS I'VE SEEN

i saw a homeless man
he was sleeping on the streets of boston
cement for a bed and the sky as his ceiling
i saw a man older than my grandpa
he was checking out a clifford book
he saw the books in my arms and smiled
the man beside him said
"you'll be reading like that soon. real soon."
and you know what
maybe there is no parallel here
i just saw something
pain and beauty
and perhaps
that's how it was meant to be

for now

WE THINK WE KNOW

man walks on earth
thinking we own the thing
that we with the brains are in control
but honestly and truly
have you thought of the world beneath our world
the paths and tunnels which ants have created
the depth to the center of the ball we call home
that beneath our feet isn't really a solid
but much more of a liquid
have you ever thought of the miracle in this all

WE MUST KNEEL

you know that moment 

when you're not sure if you'll make it out alive 

if you'll be able to recover from the emotional trauma 

the physical depression 

the heartbreaking truth 

you must face the facts and fall to your knees then 

if not im afraid survival is slim 

bc kid 

we can't do it all on our own

[you're not alone]

FRIEND OR FOE

it bugs me that people sneak into my life
tearing into my normal and calm
they expect me to welcome the new
and after a while, it becomes okay
but then they leave - taking the new normal along
and suddenly i'm back to how i liked it in the beginning
but now
i'm not sure i still like it

[ written on back of a scrap piece of paper while at work,
stuffed into my pocket, then jammed in a folder and just found 2 months later ]